Patriarchy on a Plate: How Holiday Traditions Burden Women

By Elgiva Stephens

Growing up in Nigeria, the holidays represent a time for family, loved ones, and friends to come together to celebrate, often marked by traveling to the village, colorful festivities like traditional dances, communal meals, and the exchange of gifts during family gatherings. Most times, these people have not seen each other for months, going on years, and the Christmas/New Year holidays offer them the opportunity to go home and be with family. You would think that since it is the holidays, where everyone is meant to relax and have fun, it would be the same for women in these households, right? Unfortunately, that is often not the case. For women, the holidays are not a period of rest but work, work, and more work.

Early Christmas morning, they are woken up by the matriarch in the household to join in the routine rituals of cooking for the family. These tasks often include cleaning and prepping the kitchen, grinding spices, cooking large pots of jollof rice or fried rice or traditional soups like edikanikong, ofe onugbu, cleaning up after the cooking and eating, and ensuring enough food is ready for extended family members and guests, which most of the time means prioritizing the men. The men of the household have free reign to sleep in and enjoy their holidays, but the women? They do not have that luxury.

What happens when a woman in such a household decides that she does not want to partake in this yearly ritual? That she wants to sleep in like the men in the family, or even dare suggest that the chore of cooking can be outsourced? She is looked at as someone who has gone mad. How dare you suggest that some stranger come to cook for the family during the holidays? How dare you choose to not join the women in the kitchen slaving away for the comforts and filled tummies of the men? You would be lucky if you aren’t met with harsh reprimands or ostracism for your audacity to think that way, but for some women, resistance to these expectations has led to physical violence, underscoring the deep-rooted nature of these oppressive norms.

Women, more often than not, disproportionately take up the burden of holiday cooking, hosting, and care giving with little to no support from the men. This is especially true in Nigerian households where patriarchal ideologies are deeply entrenched and the holidays magnify these disparities. Culture and society have dictated to the women that they are the heart of the home, the nurturers, and this puts undue pressure on them to give an outstanding performance in the art of a perfect holiday celebration. Beyond the physical tasks, women also bear the mental load of planning meals to ensure a delicious experience for the family. If you think this is not a big deal, why then do people who live alone complain about thinking of meals to prepare for themselves and how draining it is? The women also have to plan the family schedules, uphold the traditional values in the family, gift-giving, and managing household dynamics, often without support and acknowledgment, which becomes particularly tasking and grueling during the holidays.

All these expectations amplify stress, especially on the woman, when the glaring unequal distribution of labor is made apparent. Now that the Nigerian economy has plummeted and the country faces a whopping 40% food inflation, the prices of foodstuff in the market have skyrocketed. The men who are staunch proponents of the patriarchy are not able to “patriarch” anymore. The women are also expected to support the household financially, in addition to the thankless labor of housework. The pressure to meet unrealistic expectations creates a tense environment in a home they cannot escape from. When the household labor is unevenly distributed, resentment rears its ugly head, leading to frustration and tension, and these often manifest as verbal and physical conflict in most cases. One such case happened in Ebonyi State, where a man killed his wife over the preparation of a tuber of yam. Alcohol consumption during the holidays can also act as a catalyst, lowering inhibitions and exacerbating aggressive behaviors. The women who resist these supposed assigned roles may be faced with emotional or verbal abuse, thus further perpetuating this cycle of violence.

At the heart of these issues are traditional gender roles that position women as caregivers and men as the beneficiaries of this labor. Patriarchal structures where the men are seen as the be-all, provider, and “savior” of the household reinforce these dynamics that create an environment where women’s energy, autonomy, and time are subjected to the whims and caprices of the man. There is an expectation for the women to perform these tasks without complaints or they will be labeled as stubborn and disobedient, and it is not merely a cultural or societal norm but a form of control that limits a woman’s agency. What about the women, the matriarchs who uphold these values and beliefs, one might ask? Well, you could say they grew up in it and don’t know any better, but that would be an oversimplification of the issue. Trying to opt out of these traditional norms such as cooking or even suggesting that it should be outsourced could lead to ostracization and even violence. So, what happens? You stay in line, do what you are told, and teach the younger generation coming behind you to do the same. The backlash helps to uphold the status quo, ensuring that women remain confined to their gender roles.

The physical, emotional, and mental task of holiday labor takes a huge toll on the women. They are always exhausted from endless tasks, which are combined with the stress of navigating family dynamics, and this leaves no room for enjoyment. The cultural pressure to maintain the façade of a happy family leaves these women with no avenue to voice out their displeasure, further isolating them and discouraging them from seeking help. Most of the time if they voice out how unhappy they are, they are told that it is their fault, not woman enough, and a disgrace. They are told that they cannot perform the simple task of performing womanhood, which is to nurture, and they should be ashamed.

Shame is a thing in Nigerian culture only reserved for women but somehow mysteriously disappears when it is about an “uncle” who is a pedophile or a relative who is a wife beater.

In a troubling turn of events, a lot of Nigerians have become desensitized to violence against women, maybe due to their own childhood experiences. Looking at the troubling trends on social media, a lot of people, particularly men, make excuses for abusers. You read things like “she must have done something to provoke the man” or “there are two sides to a story; let us hear from the man” when it comes to cases like this.

What then can we do to change this mindset and break this cycle?

By treating cooking as a life skill and not just relegated to a woman’s role. Men and boys should be taught to partake in the so-called kitchen duties, especially during the holidays where there are a lot of people around, so as not to pile the workload on just the women. Cultural practices that restrict women’s autonomy should be challenged. Shame should not be reserved just for women because they don’t cook or are not homely, but for abusers.

When women’s contributions towards the home are valued and acknowledged, it can help dismantle some patriarchal systems, and support systems for women experiencing violence or burnout are essential. The government should not only pay lip service to issues affecting women but should enforce laws that punish offenders, and also create awareness campaigns to further educate communities about the link between gender roles and violence against women to foster a system of accountability and change.

The holidays should be a time of enjoyment, joy, laughter, kindness, and love. A time of celebration and connection, and women should be able to experience all these without bending over backwards in the kitchen taking care of everyone’s needs except their own. We can do that by addressing the root causes of gender inequality and challenging harmful traditional roles, which in turn create new traditions where the joys of the holidays are shared by all.